Oh Nexuiz, you rascally little unpronounceable FPS you. You may have some of these gamers fooled, but I know better. I know we’ve met before, years ago in a dimly lit DeVry classroom where my geek buddies were trading downloaded games like spinach dip recipes. These new developers of yours, IllFonic, may refer to your previous incarnation as Nexuiz Classic, but not much has really changed over the years, has it?

Come on, Nexuiz. You can’t fool me. You were a frantic heavily modded Quake clone back then, and now your gleaming drawbacks and patch jobs just don’t translate well over time. Sure a casual gamer like myself could just have fun with you one night and toss you aside like an old prophylactic wrapper, but these new kids nowadays what with their Gears of War and oh so many Calls of Duties will grow tired of you in a single session or two. Mutator power-ups were always your best qualities, from slick surfaces to colorblindness, but what you made popular years ago has already been adopted into the standard repertoire of shooters today. Your arsenal of guns and their array of effects are still impressive, but when there are games being released with a bazillion guns out of the box you just don’t shine quite as bright as you used to.

Look, it’s not like we didn’t both know what this was. You were lonely, decided you would try your luck on Xbox Live, PSN, and Steam, and thought you could get me jealous just like you used to when everyone else was playing with you all night. It’s not going to work, not this time. I’m not above a few casual encounters or two, nor am I opposed to a few fun team death match or capture the flag rounds with some old friends of ours online, but I’ve got my eye on someone and it wouldn’t be fair to you if we didn’t spend quality time together because I was thinking of someone else the whole time. Nexuiz, I’ve got a big date coming soon with a gunzerker and I think it would be best if we just remained casual friends; nothing too deep, just a few friendly jaunts around your beautifully crafted arenas. I’m not going back to the days of downing entire cases of Bawls as we played until my index finger curled back like the digit from a monkey paw. I encourage you to play with other gamers, Nexuiz, but you’re just not the FPS for me anymore.

Nexuiz launches on Microsoft (via Xbox LIVE) on February 29 for 800 Microsoft Points as part of Microsoft’s ‘House Party’ season of Xbox LIVE Arcade titles and will appear on PlayStation 3 and PC later in 2012. For more on Nexuiz visit – http://www.nexuiz.com and http://www.facebook.com/NexuizShooter