When it comes to compiling a list of terrible video game based movies, there certainly is not shortage of choices. In fact a ‘worst of’ list could just be a list of the movies that currently exist, with a few exceptions. Trimming down to only five has been a challenge. So let’s not call this a ‘worst of’ list but instead simply a list of five standouts amongst a crowd of terrible video game based movies.
5. DOOM (2005) – If the guys behind this travesty had only dropped the Doom association and called their movie something like “Bad Ass Dudes on Mars Kill Stuff” this may have been a passable action movie. But instead they take on the task of adapting the beloved tale of Doom. There isn’t much to adapt. All hell breaks loose on Mars and some space marines have to clean up the mess. Yet somehow the movie couldn’t even get that right. Instead of hell beasts we get mutated humans, instead of evil incarnate we get some crap about an alien chromosome. Start to finish this thing is a pile of garbage that manages to mangle what should have been a slam dunk. Hell, demons, shotgun, chainsaw… how hard is that? To add insult to insult Doom features about five minutes of stupid and pointless first person action.
4. POSTAL (2007) – I set out initially to create a list free of Uwe Boll films – challenge failed as I just couldn’t pass up on Postal. Extreme violence, disgusting acts and situations, over the top offensive material, and a general sense of chaos are all things that can make an enjoyable interactive entertainment experience (like a video game). These qualities in a passive medium (such as film) however are like nuts and gum, fine on there own but garbage when combined. Postal does give viewers a screen full of Dave Foley‘s penis… so, you know… if that’s your thing.
3. DOUBLE DRAGON (1994) – Double Dragon brings up a bunch of un-answerable questions. Why don’t these “brothers” look anything alike? What’s with Doggett’s hair cut? Was that Leif Garrett? Why are they wearing be-dazzled gis? What the hell is this horse crap!? Some writers, directors, and/or producers take some artistic license when making film adaptations. These guys just went around stomping every Double Dragon cartridge they could find into dust, then squeezed out this turd. The movie has almost nothing to do with the game. It’s hard to put into words all the things bad about this movie, especially in this limited space. So let’s instead list the good things: A Double Dragon arcade cabinet makes a cameo. Most of the fight scenes aren’t terrible… That’s it. The plot and acting are both verge on criminal.
2. SUPER MARIO BROS. (1993) – Super Mario Bros. may hold a speed record. Some time after play is pressed and before the opening credits finish this pile of puke takes a drastic and horrible turn. It is in these opening moments that animated talking dinosaurs with New York accents begin the process of breaking the hearts, and possibly minds, of a generation of kids. Super Mario Bros. the movie is predicated on (brace yourself) an alternate dimension caused by Earth’s dinosaur extinction event in which dinosaurs evolved to rule the planet instead of mammals. The movie presents a stark and hideous idea regarding the heroes; they are just regular guys, plumbers from New York forced onto their heroic path. So it’s through the inter-dimensional portal into some crappy dino-dominated Koopa-land to face the ribbed head of Dennis Hopper. As a special note to the jack-tards responsible for this “movie”: The last name of Mario and Luigi is not Mario. No one anywhere, ever, is named Mario Mario. If you’ve seen it you know what I’m talking about, if you don’t… you’re one of the lucky ones.
1. STREET FIGHTER (1994) – Neither Raul Julia‘s wild eyed portrayal of M. Bison, nor the abundant split kicks of Jean-Claude “The Muscles From Brussels” Van Damme could save mega stinker Street Fighter. Street Fighter screws itself in a way similar to Double Dragon’s “nothing to do with the source material” problem. Instead of remaining faithful to the source or completely abandoning it, Street Fighter opts to simply change a few things. Like placing candy just out of the reach of a child, Street Fighter leaves tasty nuggets just out of reach of the viewer; changing just enough to make fans want to pull their hair out. Things like: M. Bison using tech instead of psycho-kinetics, E. Honda’s nationality, Chun Li is a reporter instead of a cop, Charlie is not only not dead but being transformed into Blanka, and it’s not Super Street Fighter the Movie so what in the hell are Cammy and Dee Jay doing here? There was so much potential in Street Fighter. The waste of that potential is why I hate is so very much.